Mistakes

Maybe it's too early to blog about today, but what the heck, I'm full of emotion right now. 

Woke up today feeling not so grateful about having a job and eventually realizing my job is literally 5 steps away from my bed... I can even work on my bed... so the ungratefulness quickly disappeared.  

I was feeling good, thinking positive about this opportunity and convincing myself that I should just suck it up and do my job. Started off with my usual 'good morning' to my boss and I started discussing some things with him...Remember how I mentioned it doesn't take much to screw things up at my job? Well, today was Exhibit A. It was one of those feel good moments, your mind is just full of rainbows and unicorns and just when you were starting to really be happy, life slaps you across your face or something like this... 

I'm not gonna tell you how I screwed things up, all you need to know is that it was my fault. (Well, you gotta hand it to me, acceptance stage agad.)

I've f*d up very few times in my life (not to brag) which just tells you that I don't really handle f*ing up very well. Some people handle making mistakes as easy as saying "DAAAAAMN, I f*ed up" and then their lives move on. As for me, it includes: self-doubt, self-pity, tears, and most recently blogging. People have been telling me that young people are supposed to make mistakes or that THIS is the time to make mistakes...  It's not that I think I'm perfect and I'm incapable of making mistakes, clearly I can screw things up just as anyone else could, but I guess I just expect more from myself. I have avoided accountability  most of my college life (for a reason that is too long to share) and having it back now scares me so much,. There's no one to share it with, it's just me. Something goes wrong: I screwed up. Something's missing: I screwed up. It's my job and it's my responsibility. I feel so vulnerable and I've got no confidence in myself. It's like walking into that consultation room and you pick that one thesis statement you were betting you wouldn't get... or your defense panel directing a question towards you for a part you did not make and did not care to look into... only now it's not with a professor who is paid to teach us and point us our mistakes, it's from your boss who pays you not to makes mistakes. 

And that's what I've learned so far from working for four months now: we're not getting paid to make mistakes. So you can hear all those line about us being empowered, us doing trial and error but the fact is once you work, every mistake you make costs something, it may not be cut from your salary but it's on you. 

I'm 20, I'm not making an excuse, I am merely making a statement that I have much to learn.